When Did You Stop Asking Yourself What You Want?

If I asked you what your children wanted, you'd probably answer without thinking.

If I asked what your partner needed this week, you'd likely know.

If I asked what your colleagues expected from you today, you'd probably have a list.

But what if I asked you one simple question?

What do you want?

Not what should happen.

Not what everyone else hopes you'll do.

Not what would make life easier for everyone around you.

Simply...

What do you want?

For many women, especially in midlife, that question creates an uncomfortable silence. Not because we don't have wants. Because we've forgotten to listen for them.

We become experts in everyone else

Most of us weren't taught to ignore ourselves. It happened gradually.

We became the dependable one.

The organiser.

The listener.

The fixer.

The one who remembers birthdays, appointments, school letters, prescriptions and everyone's favourite meals.

Those qualities are wonderful but somewhere along the way, they can come at a cost. When we're constantly scanning the world for what everyone else needs, we stop noticing what we need ourselves. Not deliberately. Simply through habit.

The slow drift

People often think feeling lost happens after one big life event. In reality, it usually arrives quietly.

One postponed dream.

One opportunity declined because it wasn't the "right time."

One hobby abandoned because life got busy.

One more yes when you wanted to say no.

Each choice feels insignificant on its own.

Together, they slowly pull us away from ourselves.

Until one day we hear someone ask, "What do you want?" and realise we genuinely don't know.

Putting yourself first isn't selfish

This is the belief that keeps so many women stuck. We've somehow learned that looking after ourselves means taking something away from someone else.

It doesn't. Imagine trying to pour from a jug that's almost empty. You might manage for a while. Eventually, there's nothing left to give.

Looking after yourself isn't about becoming less caring. It's about making sure your kindness includes you too.

Start with one small question

You don't need a dramatic reinvention. You don't need all the answers. You simply need to become curious again.

Try asking yourself:

◈ What do I want more of?

◈ What do I want less of?

◈ When do I feel most like myself?

◈ What have I been putting off because it doesn't feel important enough?

◈ If nobody else's opinion mattered, what small decision would I make this week?

Notice that none of those questions require huge change. They simply invite you to listen.

One small step

Before we can change anything, we need to know what we're actually moving towards.

So this week, find five quiet minutes. Leave your phone in another room. Make yourself a cup of tea.

Take a notebook and answer one question honestly:

What do I want?

Don't edit your answer. Don't judge it. Just notice what comes up.

It may be the beginning of remembering the person you've always been beneath everyone else's expectations. And sometimes, that's where real change begins.

If answering those questions feels harder than you expected, you're not failing. Sometimes we've simply spent so long listening to everyone else that we've forgotten how to hear ourselves. That's exactly the kind of conversation I love having with the women I work with - creating a space where they can rediscover what matters to them and begin making choices that feel true to who they are.